Confession time: I once bombed a first date so hard, I’m pretty sure you could’ve heard the awkward silence three states away. If you’ve ever left a meeting replaying your every word, or felt invisible in a crowded room, welcome to the club. It turns out, the difference between making a forgettable impression and sparking a new friendship might come down to mere seconds—and a few subtle but game-changing cues. Inspired by Vanessa Van Edwards’ deep dive into what really makes us click, let’s unravel the surprising science and tell-it-like-it-is strategies for nailing your next social encounter. Buckle up—this isn’t your grandma’s etiquette guide.
1. The High-Stakes Game of First Impressions (and Why Phones Are Killing Yours)
Imagine this: You’re waiting to meet someone important—maybe a job interviewer, a potential client, or even a first date. You glance down at your phone, scrolling to pass the time. It feels harmless, right? But research in first impression science suggests this tiny habit could be sabotaging your success before you even say hello.
According to communication expert Vanessa Van Edwards, “First impressions are actually very accurate. They find 76% accuracy with our personality traits.” (8.43-8.45). That means, in just a few seconds, people are sizing you up—judging how extroverted, agreeable, or conscientious you are. And, as Van Edwards points out, these snap judgments are not just guesses; they’re surprisingly spot-on.
Why Your First Impression Starts Before You Speak
Many people believe their first impression begins when they open their mouth. In reality, it starts the moment someone lays eyes on you (8.16-8.20). Whether you’re in a waiting room, at a networking event, or just walking into a restaurant, that initial glance is crucial. This is where first impression body language comes into play.
- 76% of people accurately judge core personality traits in seconds.
- First impressions are formed before you even say a word.
- Small tweaks in posture or facial expression can shift perceptions dramatically.
The “Loser” Signal: How Phones Sabotage Your Presence
One of the most common mistakes? Looking down at your phone, book, or notepad before a meeting (9.16-9.28). This posture—chin tucked, shoulders hunched, arms close—sends what researchers call a “universal defeat posture.” It’s a nonverbal communication cue that signals low confidence or even social withdrawal. In Van Edwards’ words, “When you check your phone, every time you check your phone, you accidentally look like a loser. And I mean that literally in terms of losing and winning.” (9.49-9.56)
So, while you might think you’re just killing time, you’re actually sending out signals that can undermine your credibility and likability. This is especially problematic in high-stakes situations like job interviews or first dates, where every detail counts.
Profile Picture Perception: The Digital First Impression
It’s not just in-person cues that matter. In today’s digital world, your profile picture is often the first thing people see. Studies indicate that profile judgments are formed in just 100 milliseconds—that’s faster than the blink of an eye (10.27-10.33). This means your LinkedIn, dating, or social media photo can trigger instant, lasting impressions.
- Different photos of the same person can spark completely different judgments (10.46-10.55).
- You can control and improve others’ perceptions by choosing the right image and posture.
Research by Simin Vazier and others shows that even subtle changes in your profile picture—like posture, expression, or background—can shift how people perceive your personality and competence. This is the essence of profile picture perception: you have more control than you think.
Mastering Nonverbal Communication for Success
Mastering your body language, even while waiting, can greatly improve first impressions. Whether you’re standing tall in a lobby or curating your online presence, these small adjustments send powerful signals. The science is clear: digital impressions via profile pics are just as powerful as in-person cues.
“First impressions are actually very accurate. They find 76% accuracy with our personality traits.” – Vanessa Van Edwards
In short, the science of first impressions is clear: every glance, gesture, and photo counts. By understanding and applying these Vanessa Van Edwards tips, you can shape how others see you—sometimes before you even say a word.
2. Are Charismatic People Born or Made? (Spoiler: Most of Us Learn It)
There’s a common belief that charisma is an inborn gift—something you either have or you don’t. But research and real-life stories show a different reality. When it comes to charisma development, the science points to a much more flexible, learnable process. If you’ve ever wondered where you fall on the personality traits spectrum, or if you can actually become more charismatic, the answer is encouraging: most of us can learn it, and many already have.
According to studies referenced by expert Vanessa Van Edwards (0:57–1:08), every person has five main personality traits, and each of these falls somewhere on a spectrum—high, medium, or low. Genetics play a role, but only to a certain extent. In fact, research shows that these traits are just 42–57% heritable. That means nearly half of what makes up your personality is shaped by your environment, experiences, and, crucially, your conscious choices.
Take neuroticism as an example (1:08–1:19). Some people are genetically predisposed to worry more, producing serotonin more slowly, which can lead to a stronger negativity bias. But even here, you’re not locked in. There’s a 30–40% potential for change in your personality and social skills (1:19–1:22). That’s a huge window for growth, especially when it comes to mastering communication skills and learning nonverbal cues.
So, what does this mean for charisma? It means you don’t have to be one of those rare people who seem to have been “born out the womb charismatic” with perfect hand gestures and expressive eyebrows (3:39–3:44). As Vanessa Van Edwards puts it:
“There are those very unique people, but most of us learn charisma.”
– Vanessa Van Edwards
Most highly charismatic leaders you see—whether in business, media, or social circles—have intentionally learned key social cues. They’ve figured out, sometimes by accident and sometimes on purpose, which nonverbal signals make people smile, or how to use vocal power to grab attention (3:44–4:01). In other words, charisma and people skills aren’t just for ‘naturals’; they’re for anyone willing to learn.
Vanessa herself describes her journey as that of a “recovering awkward person” (2:40–2:44). She now helps others—especially those who don’t see themselves as naturally charismatic—learn how to communicate better, both online and in person. Her story is proof that personal evolution is possible for everyone. Charisma often comes from tweaking your nonverbal cues, adjusting your vocal tone, and practicing micro expressions—not from some innate magic you’re born with.
It’s also worth noting that awkwardness comes in many forms, and not all are obvious. Some people may struggle with communication in subtle ways, but that doesn’t mean they can’t improve. The hidden opportunity, as Vanessa points out (2:59–3:02), is that you’re communicating all the time—even when you don’t realize it. By becoming more aware and intentional, you can dramatically shift how others perceive you.
So, the myth that charisma is reserved for a lucky few gets busted. With conscious effort and the right techniques, you can move along the genetics vs. environment spectrum and develop the kind of presence that shapes relationships and success.
3. The Awkward Truth: Personal Stories of Missing Connection (and Why That’s Normal)
If you’ve ever felt out of place or struggled with making friends as an adult, you’re not alone. Awkward social encounters are far more common than you might think, and they don’t always look the way you’d expect. In fact, awkwardness isn’t just about being shy or reserved—it can show up as over-eagerness, over-communication, or even trying a little too hard to impress others (4.23-4.38).
Vanessa Van Edwards, a well-known communication expert, shares her own friendship building stories to illustrate this point. She describes her personal brand of awkwardness as “trying to be impressive when I clearly wasn’t. Telling funny stories that were not funny, talking too much. Shocker, right? It was saying the wrong things and overcommunicating.” (4.34-4.44) Her tongue-in-cheek Labrador analogy—having that “golden retriever energy” and being “super into people”—reminds us that sometimes, enthusiasm itself can feel overwhelming to others (4.46-4.56).
Awkwardness dresses up in different ways, right? …My brand of awkward was trying to be impressive when I clearly wasn’t.
– Vanessa Van Edwards
It’s easy to assume that only introverts or socially anxious people struggle with connection. But research shows that even extroverts, surrounded by crowds in big cities or busy gyms, often feel isolated. You might look around and see hundreds of people, yet still not know how to walk up and say hello (5.14-5.28). This sense of invisibility—of not being “enough”—is universal. Social highlight reels on Instagram or LinkedIn rarely show the awkward moments or the failed attempts at friendship. Don’t let those polished snapshots fool you.
What’s more, studies indicate that most people experience some flavor of awkwardness. It’s not the awkwardness itself that matters, but how you respond to it. Do you retreat, or do you lean in and try again? The response to awkward moments is what creates connection or distance. If you find yourself over-talking, over-sharing, or feeling like you’re “too much,” you’re in good company. Many people have been there, and it’s a normal part of making friends as an adult.
Building meaningful relationships goes beyond casual acquaintances. Leveling up friendships is about depth, not quantity. It’s easy to collect contacts, but real connection comes from identifying and sharing your core friendship values—honesty, respect, depth, and personal responsibility. These values matter far more than simply sharing hobbies or interests.
- Awkwardness is diverse: It might be silence, but it could also be over-enthusiasm or trying to impress.
- Big cities, big crowds, same problem: Even with people everywhere, genuine connection is still hard.
- Everyone feels invisible sometimes: Don’t trust the highlight reels; real life is messier.
- Depth over quantity: Focus on a few strong connections built on shared values, not just shared interests.
- Quirks are bridges: Sharing your own struggles and quirks can actually help others relate to you.
When you embrace your own quirks and share your personal struggles, you open the door for others to do the same. These moments of vulnerability are often what spark genuine connection. So, if you’re feeling awkward, remember: it’s not a barrier, but a bridge. Your story, with all its imperfect moments, is exactly what makes real friendship possible.
4. What Really Matters in Friendship: Discovering (and Demanding) Your Core Values
When it comes to building meaningful relationships, understanding your friendship core values is essential. Many people have plenty of casual friends or acquaintances, but struggle to deepen those connections or figure out why some friendships just never seem to click (5.31-5.39). If you want to move beyond surface-level interactions and create lasting bonds, it’s time to get clear about what truly matters to you in a friend.
Why Core Values Are the Foundation of Lasting Friendships
Research shows that articulating and insisting on your core values helps you attract the right friendships and avoid burnout. These values act as anchor points, guiding you toward relationships that feel fulfilling and authentic. Vanessa Van Edwards, for example, highlights her own non-negotiables: respect, self-honesty, depth, and personal responsibility (5.41-6.15). If you haven’t thought about your own, you’re not alone—but it’s a crucial step in choosing friends wisely and developing effective relationship building strategies.
Identifying Your Friendship Core Values
So, how do you figure out what your core values are? Start by reflecting on your past and present friendships. Think about the people who drive you crazy, the ones who leave you feeling drained, and those who make you feel calm, healed, or truly yourself (6.40-7.15). Often, the traits that bother you most in others reveal your own core needs.
- Did a friend’s chronic lateness make you feel disrespected?
- Have you struggled with friends who aren’t honest with themselves?
- Do you crave deeper conversations rather than just shared activities?
Vanessa shares that she can’t maintain friendships with people who practice self-deception or avoid going deep. For her, self-honesty and depth are non-negotiable. If a friend hesitates to open up or only wants to keep things light, she knows the connection won’t last (6.04-6.28).
Simple Exercise: Reveal Your Non-Negotiables
Try this practical exercise: List out traits from failed friendships or those that fizzled despite potential. Ask yourself, “What was missing?” or “What blocked us from becoming close?” This honest reflection can help you pinpoint your own friendship core values and clarify what you need to feel supported and authentic.
Depth Over Frequency: What Makes a True Friend?
It’s easy to think that spending more time together will strengthen a friendship. But research and real-life experience suggest otherwise. The best friends aren’t just those you see often—they’re the ones who bring out your authentic self, who support your growth, and who align with your values (6.58-7.02). Depth beats frequency every time.
Personal Responsibility vs. Victimhood
One value that often separates energizing friendships from draining ones is personal responsibility. As Vanessa puts it,
“Personal responsibility is a big one for me. It’s a deep belief that you are in control of your life and your outcomes.” (7.15-7.23)
This mindset is the antithesis of victimhood. Friends who chronically complain or blame others for their problems can sap your energy and make it hard to maintain a healthy relationship (7.25-7.32). Seek out “heroes”—people who own their choices and inspire you to do the same.
Vanessa’s Core Friendship Values
| Core Value | Description |
|---|---|
| Respect | Valuing each other’s time and boundaries |
| Self-Honesty | Being truthful with oneself and others |
| Depth | Desiring meaningful, authentic conversations |
| Personal Responsibility | Taking ownership of actions and outcomes |
When you define and demand your core values, you’ll find it easier to attract friendships that energize and sustain you—while letting go of those that don’t align. It’s not just about shared hobbies or frequent hangouts; it’s about finding people who truly “get” you and help you grow.
5. Master Communicators: What Do They Really Want?
When you think about mastering communication skills, what comes to mind? Maybe it’s being able to strike up a conversation with anyone, or perhaps it’s about feeling confident in meetings. But if you dig deeper, you’ll find that the true motivation goes far beyond small talk. According to Vanessa Van Edwards—who has taught over 400,000 students directly and reached millions more with her insights (7.42-7.54)—the real goal is much bigger: people want to be master communicators so they can ask for what they want and actually get it.
In her words,
‘If you are a master communicator, no matter what you want… you can get it.’
(8.06-8.10)
This isn’t just about being chatty or charming. Research shows that high-level communication skills are less about chit-chat and more about outcome-driven conversations and connections. Whether you’re hoping for a raise, searching for a soulmate, or building a support system, mastering communication skills is the key that unlocks those doors.
Why Do People Pursue Communication Mastery?
Let’s break it down. The biggest driver for learning to connect isn’t just to fill awkward silences or make friends at parties. It’s about creating better relationships, building richer friendships, and achieving career success. People want to advocate for themselves, to be heard, and to get tangible results—whether that’s a promotion, a new client, or a deeper connection with someone special (7.54-8.04).
- Career Advancement: Asking for raises, promotions, or new opportunities becomes easier when you know how to communicate your value.
- Relationship Building: Whether it’s romantic or platonic, strong communication helps you express your needs and understand others.
- Support Systems: Building a network of friends, mentors, or allies starts with being able to connect authentically.
Vanessa Van Edwards Tips: The Science of Connection
Vanessa Van Edwards has dedicated her career to teaching the practical science of connection. Her approach isn’t just theory—it’s actionable, and it’s been tested by hundreds of thousands of students. She emphasizes that anyone can learn these skills, regardless of background or personality (7.35-7.46).
One of her most powerful tools? Learning to decode micro expressions in connection. These tiny facial cues and body language signals can reveal what someone is really feeling, even if their words say something else. When you can read these subtle signs, you gain an edge in any social or professional setting. It’s like having a secret playbook for every interaction.
Communication: The Great Equalizer
Here’s the thing: communication is an equalizer. No matter where you start, you can leverage these skills to level up your life outcomes. You don’t need to be born with natural charisma or extroversion. With the right strategies—like those taught by Vanessa Van Edwards—you can learn to advocate for yourself, build lasting relationships, and open doors that once seemed out of reach.
Ultimately, mastering communication skills isn’t about talking more. It’s about talking with purpose. It’s about knowing what you want, asking for it clearly, and having the confidence and tools to make it happen. As you build these skills, you’ll find that your relationships deepen, your career opportunities expand, and your sense of self-advocacy grows stronger every day.
6. The Secret Sauce: Tiny Tweaks for Massive Social Payoff (Body Language, Pics & More)
Ever wondered why some people seem to effortlessly command attention and trust, both online and in person? The answer often lies in the smallest details—those subtle, almost invisible tweaks to your body language, profile pictures, and micro expressions. Research into first impression science shows that minuscule behavioral shifts can lead to big changes in both online and real-world interactions. Let’s break down how you can harness these tiny tweaks for massive social payoff.
Profile Picture Perception: The 100-Millisecond Judgment
According to studies and as highlighted in the transcript (11.15-11.23), people form opinions about you in as little as 100 milliseconds—about the time it takes to blink. This means your profile picture perception matters more than you might think. Even small differences in your LinkedIn photo—like a slight tilt of the head, a genuine smile, or the placement of your hands—can result in radically different impressions. Try swapping out your headshot or experimenting with your posture in photos before a big meeting or job application. The impact can be surprisingly significant.
| Factor | Impact |
|---|---|
| Profile photo judgments | Created in 100ms |
| Small tweaks (posture, expression) | Change perceived approachability/confidence (anecdotal data) |
Body Language for Success: The Power of Micro-Tweaks
From hand placement to posture, simple shifts change your social story instantly. For example, research shows that adopting an open, upright posture can make you appear more approachable and confident. Conversely, the universal “defeat posture”—think phone hunching or slouching—can undermine your presence and credibility in the eyes of others (11.19-11.23). These micro adjustments, though seemingly minor, are at the core of body language for success.
- Keep your shoulders back and chin up to project confidence.
- Use open hand gestures to signal honesty and warmth.
- Avoid crossing your arms, which can come off as defensive or closed-off.
Micro Expressions in Connection: Experiment and Observe
Micro expressions—those fleeting facial cues—play a crucial role in how others perceive your sincerity and intent. Experiment with subtle changes: a softer gaze, a relaxed jaw, or a slight smile. Notice how these micro-tweaks affect your interactions, both online and offline. As the transcript suggests (11.23-11.28), “
Small tweaks to your cues can have a massive impact on your impression.
”
Aligning Online and Offline Impressions
For maximum credibility, your online persona should align with how you present yourself in real life. If your LinkedIn photo radiates confidence but you show up to a meeting slouched and reserved, the disconnect can erode trust. Consistency is key—practice the same micro-tweaks in both digital and face-to-face settings to reinforce your personal brand.
Actionable Steps: Test, Tweak, Transform
- Try different profile pictures and ask for feedback on which feels most approachable.
- Before important meetings, consciously adjust your posture and facial expression.
- Observe how small behavioral experiments change the way people respond to you.
Never underestimate the impact of minor, subtle behavioral experiments. Sometimes, the smallest shift in how you carry yourself—or even how you appear in a photo—can open doors to new relationships and opportunities.
Conclusion: Forget Perfection — Lean Into Experimentation (and Awkwardness)
When it comes to mastering communication skills, it’s easy to imagine there’s a secret formula—one perfect way to make a great first impression, spark a friendship, or ace a job interview. But if you’ve followed Vanessa Van Edwards’ research and advice, you know the truth is far messier—and much more encouraging. The real magic happens when you give yourself permission to experiment, stumble, and even feel awkward along the way.
Charisma, as Vanessa explains, is not some mystical trait reserved for the lucky few. It’s a skill you build through trial and error. You try out a new posture, test a warmer smile, or practice holding eye contact a second longer. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. But every attempt teaches you something valuable about what feels authentic to you and what resonates with others. Progress comes from experimenting and learning, not from waiting for the perfect formula.
It’s important to remember that awkward social encounters are not failures—they’re signs you’re stretching your comfort zone. Research shows that successful communicators aren’t the ones who never make mistakes, but those who reflect, adapt, and keep showing up. Each “cringe” moment is a clue: maybe your joke didn’t land, or your story felt flat, but you learned what to tweak next time. As Vanessa puts it, “If I can learn it, anyone can learn it. I promise.”
So, how do you lean into this experimental mindset?
- Embrace the bumpy road: Mastering charisma and relationship building strategies means accepting that mistakes are part of the process. No one gets it right every time.
- Try small tweaks: Adjust your posture, play with your tone, or share a little more honesty than usual. Notice how people respond and adjust accordingly.
- Welcome awkwardness: Instead of dreading uncomfortable moments, see them as proof you’re pushing past old habits. Awkwardness is often the birthplace of growth.
- Reflect and iterate: After a social interaction, ask yourself what worked and what didn’t. Use these insights to shape your approach next time.
- Show up as your real self: The world doesn’t need more polish or perfection. It needs more authenticity—quirks, flaws, and all.
Vanessa’s journey, from self-described “recovering awkward person” to a leading expert in human behavior, is proof that anyone can improve their communication skills. She’s helped hundreds of thousands of people decode body language, master first impressions, and build deeper connections—not by chasing perfection, but by encouraging experimentation and self-reflection.
In your own life, try to see each interaction as a mini-experiment. Maybe you’ll swap out a tired “where are you from?” for a more playful opener. Perhaps you’ll practice the “triple threat” of open posture, visible hands, and direct eye contact. Or you might simply let yourself laugh a little louder, lean in a bit more, or admit when you’re nervous. These small risks add up, shaping not just how others see you, but how you see yourself.
“If I can learn it, anyone can learn it. I promise.” – Vanessa Van Edwards
Ultimately, successful communication is trial-and-error, not a steady climb. Personal growth is measured as much by your willingness to get it “wrong” as by your wins. So, forget perfection. Lean into experimentation—and let a little awkwardness be your guide.
FAQ: Your Burning Questions About First Impressions, Friendship, and Charisma
If you’ve ever wondered how to master making friends as an adult, decode first impression science, or use body language for success, you’re not alone. Let’s dive into the real questions you’re asking—no fluff, just actionable answers and a dash of science-backed attitude.
What’s the fastest way to ruin a first impression?
Research shows first impressions are made in as little as 100 milliseconds. The quickest way to sabotage yours? Acting disinterested—think checking your phone, avoiding eye contact, or giving one-word answers. Vanessa Van Edwards calls this the “defeat signal.” Instead, use open body posture, show your hands, and make direct eye contact to trigger the “triple threat” of approachability. Remember, first impression science isn’t just about what you say; it’s about the cues you send before you even open your mouth.
Can you really change if you’re a “bad communicator”?
Absolutely. While your personality has some genetic roots, studies indicate that up to 40% of your communication style is changeable. Vanessa herself is a “recovering awkward person” who learned to master social skills. Start by noticing which of your cues—like a genuine smile or a warm greeting—get positive reactions, and build from there. Communication is a skill, not a fixed trait.
How important are digital cues (like online photos) in real life?
Digital impressions matter more than ever. Whether it’s your LinkedIn profile or a dating app, people form opinions about you in seconds. Avoid sunglasses in photos (they block oxytocin-driven connection), skip fake backgrounds on Zoom, and keep your camera at eye level. These tweaks boost authenticity and trust, both online and off. First impression science applies just as much to pixels as to handshakes.
What do I do when awkwardness strikes mid-conversation?
Everyone hits a conversational wall. The fix? Have a “story toolbox” ready—memorable, light anecdotes you can pull out to steer the chat away from dead-end topics like weather or traffic. If you sense discomfort, acknowledge it with humor (“Well, that was a weird pause!”) or pivot to a question about the other person’s interests. Awkwardness is normal; how you handle it is what counts.
How do I know if a friendship is worth leveling up or letting go?
Vanessa recommends identifying your “core friendship values.” Reflect on what you need in a friend—honesty, respect, shared interests—and notice if the relationship aligns. If you consistently feel drained or undervalued, it might be time to let go. Making friends as an adult means prioritizing quality over quantity.
Any tips for introverts to network without feeling fake?
Networking doesn’t have to mean being the loudest in the room. Focus on small, meaningful interactions. Ask thoughtful questions, share a personal story, or connect over shared experiences. Set a goal—like meeting one new person—and give yourself permission to recharge afterward. Authenticity beats forced enthusiasm every time.
Is there a top cue or body language hack for instant likability?
Yes: visible hands, a genuine smile, and a slight head tilt. This combo signals warmth, openness, and trustworthiness. Research shows these cues make you more memorable and approachable, whether you’re at a networking event or on a first date. Body language for success is about signaling, “I’m safe, I’m interested, and I’m here.”
In the end, mastering first impressions and communication isn’t about perfection—it’s about intention, practice, and a willingness to connect. With these science-backed strategies, you’re equipped to build better relationships, both online and offline, and shape your own success story.
TL;DR: Nail your first impressions, rethink your friendship values, and realize that charisma isn’t just for the chosen few—it’s learnable. Whether you want richer friendships, career boosts, or smoother dates, small changes in how you show up (from body language to profile pics) can make a huge difference. Ready to experiment?
A big shoutout to The Diary Of A CEO for the enlightening content! Take a look here: https://youtu.be/ldizQkuWpDE?si=CVnM8yRPSGMq9_0v.
